It is
not in my habit to publish photographs here with other people than myself in
them but this one taken on Thanksgiving at our place is such a lovely shot that
I felt I must share it with the world.
On
Friday I walked to IKEA – it is strange to think of how I live within walking
distance from it but so rarely have the time to go there – and was so overcome
with sweet nostalgia for the old country when I saw this ‘adventsljusstake’
that I had to buy it. In Sweden such decorative lights appear in almost every
window of every building after the first of advent.
To
change our home with the change of seasons, I bought some red and green things.
A new green pillow and a red heart-pillow for the couch and some new red things
for the coffeetable made our living room ready for December and the inevitable coming
of Christmas. The adorable stuffed animal is Critical Companion’s contribution
to domestic decoration.
“There is a complex relation
between a life and life so that how
one lives in relation
to one’s own and others’
deaths turns out to be a project of how one protects not only
a form of life over disputations, criticisms, and recognition in the fact of change –
but also how one protects the
institution of life as lived in the
singular.”
[Veena Das, Life and Words. Violence and the Descent
into the Ordinary]
The four-day holiday in connection with
Thanksgiving was well-earned and well-spent. On Thursday, Critical Companion
and I spent the entire day cooking lots of tasty food – we went with roasted
chicken instead of turkey and I even tried a slice – before opening our home to
our lovely friends who came and went throughout the evening. It is my firm
conviction that one is only obliged to celebrate a holiday in the manner of the
natives during one’s first year in a new country and that after this one is
allowed to make the holiday one’s own and decide what one wants from the
established tradition as well as what one rejects. This year’s Thanksgiving was
perhaps my best American holiday celebrated so far in the United States; it was
cosy and comfortable and filled with glimpses of new intimacy with people I
didn’t think I could share this kind of intimacy with. I think that’s when the
holidays really are used to their best potential – when you explore new
possibilities within old relationships and realize there was more to them than
originally anticipated. I took the whole day off on Friday and didn’t do any
work at all. I was a bit hungover after Thanksgiving as it involved drinking
wine from four in the afternoon to well past midnight… Since I don’t drink very
often these days – it is difficult to justify having as much as a bottle of
wine around the house when the other person in the household never drinks –
I’ve become somewhat unprepared for the outcome of alcohol in my blood. On
Saturday, I woke up early and went to work straight away after cleaning the
apartment. I’ve decided to keep track of how many hours of work I put in each
day during the final stages of this semester in order to see how much of it
gives actual results as well as to figure out at what times and in which situations
I am the most productive. To spend eight hours working and/or procrastinating
without being entirely productive is not as healthy as putting in three hours
of isolated concentration on something that will yield intellectual fruit. Also
I would like to find out exactly how many hours I work each week – and now that
I know that I only worked a total of nine hours during this past weekend, I
won’t feel as overcome with exhaustion over what has been done as I usually do.
Or so I thought at least – because I still feel as exhausted as always on this
Sunday evening… Well, I guess I’ll have to take my time with this project just
like I’m taking my time with the devotional Bible study in the mornings – I
will probably not get it right the first time and miracoulsly transform into a
happy, satisfied and successful individual straight away. On Saturday evening,
I went out for a beer with another graduate student which led to several beers
– it is probably never a good idea to drink in the evenings when all you’ve had
to eat was some soup for lunch and forgot to have dinner because you weren’t
hungry – and thus I found myself a bit too hungover for church on Sunday
morning. Either learn how to drink responsibly or don’t drink at all – that’s
perhaps the lesson learned during the past couple of restful days…
Sometimes I wonder why life doesn’t come with
clear directions and doesn’t offer simple solutions. Sometimes I wonder also if
perhaps I myself choose to make the kind of choices which eliminate clear
directions and simple solutions. I had already told myself repeated times
throughout this difficult semester that life right now is complicated as it is
and that therefore there is no need for me to complicate reality further.
Instead of listening carefully to this voice of reason, however, I keep finding
myself to have complicated an already complicated situation. I often wonder why
you never know if – for example – a man you meet and like and who seems to
appreciate you as well is something
or nothing. I would like to be able
to discern straight away if this is something – and thus it would be helpful
if every new situation came with some sort of label attached to it so that you
could easily classify it and file it under the right kind of designation
immediately. I have come to realize that as life grows increasingly complex, so
do the situations you find yourself in. Nothing is ever black and white; this I
can make my peace with, but I wish there was less of the grey mist in between
these clear-cut colors.
Today I bought tickets to Budapest. Now it has
finally been decided – I will meet the new year of 2012 with Katya there.
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