Every
place can be a border place.
This
is the ‘Here & There’ monument which seperates Berkeley from Oakland.
At first I wanted to write that for the past
couple of days I’ve been thinking. Then it occurred to me that this is not
true: I’ve been thinking for the past two months, if not even longer. In the
light of certain events I have felt it necessary to reconsider the choice I
have made for my life and this I am doing now: reconsidering everything I took
as ‘given’ and everything which previously appeared as ‘the only option’ for me.
I have had to think hard and carefully about the place where I am right now and
why it has seemed to me for so long that this was my only option and that I had
nowhere else I could go. After a whole day of crying – that was the traumatic
yesterday I want to treasure in the future for both its emotional turmoil and
intellectual insights as it sometimes takes a critical rupture to realize one may
have made the wrong choice – I have come to understand that Berkeley might not
be where I want to be. It is too early to make any definitive decisions and as
of yet I have not made any either, but rather considered the options that I do
have. At the bottom of all of my arguments and thoughts is the feeling of not
being happy in this particular situation. I have been afraid for so long to
think like this because this was my dream since August 2008 and when a dream
comes true one feels almost obligated to be content with the reality of the
dream. Living and pursuing one’s dream, however, is much different from having
a dream in the first place. I am afraid of admitting that Berkeley is not the
place for me. For a long time I have been haunted by worries of where else to
turn with the kind of narrow education I have acquired so far. My education – a
BA in Russian from Gothenburg University and an MA in Philology from Ural State
University and almost three semesters of graduate classes in Russian literature
at Berkeley – is perfect for becoming what I imagined I wanted to become for so
long: a professor of Russian literature. If I were to venture outside of
academia, I don’t know what I would be able to do with this kind of professional
training. I am not sure I want to go outside of the university world but
currently I don’t think where I am is where I thought I would be. I think it is
good and necessary to be challenged from time to time but I also feel like I’m
not sure anymore if this place can furnish me with the appropriate surroundings
in which to be challenged. Perhaps I’m not strong enough for this elite university.
I was so afraid before to admit that I don’t have to be strong enough for where
I am right now and that I am allowed to want something different which better
corresponds to my abilities. For a long time I have been on one and the same
track, slowly making my way toward fulfillment of my teenage dream of becoming
a university teacher in a field I thought I couldn’t love more than I do. But
now I feel that I am on the verge of depression – or perhaps I am already in a
state of depression – and I have to step back and take a look at what is in
front of me. It is scary. I don’t know where reconsidering and rethinking what
previously seemed so obviously right might lead me.
I think it’s safe to say that I had a mental and
emotional break-down yesterday. Maybe I’m not fit for this specific
intellectual environment. Maybe I have been in a state of constant stress – due
partly to the personal circumstances over which I have no control and which
constantly pull me back to my family – for the past six months or so, and now I
have arrived in a place where I no longer have any margins, as we say in
Swedish. The constant stress of the difficulties in my family back home have
stripped me of that crucial buffer zone needed to be able to bounce back
whenever something unforeseen or unpleasant happens. Right now I don’t have any
room in which I might be able to negotiate problematic situations and no
resources to mediate between the personal and the professional. After some
seven years of being in higher education it feels like I have suddenly woken up
as if from a bad dream and found myself extremely tired. I don’t think
everything should be ‘sunny always’ and that perpetual happiness is what we
should expect from all of life’s various stages but I do think that there are
limits to how far we may stretch ourselves. I think I have found one such limit
of my own during the experience of this semester. Right now I don’t know if I’m
going to take the MA exam later in November. I might push it back one more
semester. I might also never take it. Before I was so afraid of thoughts like
these because I didn’t want to become the girl who couldn’t make it at Berkeley
for the rest of my life and because I was so consumed with what other people
would say about me if I decided to take another path in life. Critical
Companion correctly pointed out that I need to rid myself of such thoughts –
because at the end of every single day this is my life and nobody else’s. For so long I have been almost paralyzed
by thoughts about what other people think of me and this has led me to a state
of persistent fear. I don’t want to be in that state anymore. Right now, I need
to think about in what other ways I might lead my life and also about what
other options I have. I think I was blinded by my own ambition for so long that
I didn’t want to realize how unhappy this ambition ultimately was making me.
I think I sensed in advance that an emotional
break-down was on its way during the past week and that’s why I decided to turn
to professional counseling on Wednesday to see if what I was going through
would be understandable from an outsider’s point of view. I can now say that it
was the best thing I have done this year and I don’t understand why I didn’t do
it sooner. I guess I was always hoping that tomorrow would bring an end to my
doubts, that if I managed to survive today then everything was somehow soon
going to be okay. It helped me immensely to hear someone else’s perspective on
my situation and many of the comments I received from the professional
counselor helped in realizing that my reaction to what is going on is not
without foundation. I still have to wrestle a lot with these emotions and
especially with the feeling of being ungrateful. So many people wanted to be
where I am and so few people have the kind of opportunity I have been given.
Despite this I am not sure if I want it. I have begun questioning if I should
want something simply because it has been granted me and simply because I have
been subject to privilege. Right now it feels as if I have other priorities in
my life and that I need to think more about other ways I might be realizing the
way I would like to live. Maybe it is time for me to return to Sweden. I have a
family there which I miss greatly. I missed large parts of my sister’s
childhood and I’m not as sure anymore if I would want to miss as much of her
adult life. I have a mother with whom I have a great relationship which I also
think should receive more nourishment than it does when I’m so far away. At the
moment I feel like I want to go back home for a while and probably spend some
time away from academia. I would like to go live in my mother’s new house in
the countryside and spend some time alone thinking about life and writing in my
solitude. Perhaps finally finish turning my master’s thesis into that book I
should’ve published a long time ago. I don’t think I want to say farewell to
Russian literature for all eternity but maybe find another place where I could
pursue my doctoral thesis under different circumstances. I have been looking at
institutions in Sweden where I might do this and I found a few places to which
I could apply in the spring.
Even though I have always believed it unwise to
go straight from undergraduate to graduate education I have never given much
thought to that I myself have done this unwise move. I never really had any
time in-between to figure things out. Now I have found myself on the edge of an
in-between space – sort of a double border zone if you may – which might result
in wandering roads previously considered not be taken. I don’t think I have
realized yet what I’m on the verge of doing. Of course I will always look back
and wonder what might have been if I had stayed – but all the same I might
wonder what could have been if I had left. Since I left Russia I have felt like
I am missing aspects of the person I could have become if I had stayed there,
without a doubt I will perceive this departure similarly in the future. That is
the reality of being neither here nor there: you are always in between, one
foot in one place and the other in another. At the moment the number one
priority must be my health – mental, emotional, intellectual – and to not
ignore this depression but give it the attention it deserves. I was thinking
about stuffing myself with anti-anxiety pills just to get through this semester
and get the second master’s but I don’t think this is something I should have
to do. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore.
It is frightening to stand at the edge, blindfolded
as to what lays beneath and beyond.
5 reactions:
This is a wise post. And the Critical Companion is right: we make our own choices and to hell with those who will judge us for that.
We've got long lives ahead of us--who knows where it will take us? Perhaps that's half the fun.
Dear darling daughter,
Be careful to separate the voices inside you: the vocie of reason, the voice of the depression (always tricky beacause it sounds so true - while it´s not)the voice of your heart(a good one that is linked to the essence of truth inside you), the voice of your head (the intellect is good at figuering things out but sucks when it comes to feelings), the voice of your gut(in many ways your"God-voice"but scary to rely on since it can tell you to jump without a parachute), the voice of what others might be saying (most of the time we would be amazed at the minor role we play in other peoples lives!).
I think right now the voice of the depression is the loudest, unfortunately, and low serotoninlevels are poor guides indeed.
You have access to a great resource -namely Pappan Pippin och Timmermannens son - and in my experience you can always turn there and be heard, and it´s also a great way to be able to listen to the voice of your heart and gut. Ask for answers, and you will get them. Stillness of heart and mind in the presence of the sorce of love - for as long as it takes - will give you peace.
My faith is in you, no matter where you go.
Love
Mother
Gumman..inte bra att du känner dig ledsen och deprimerad, jag blir ledsen att höra att du mår dåligt, min vän. Jag finns här som stöd, det vet du. Du känner dig själv bäst, trivs du inte med ditt val att läsa på Berkeley och känner att du vill ändra dig, då har du rätten att göra ditt val. Ingen annan kan bestämma för dig.
Bry dig inte om vad andra tänker och tycker, för man är sig själv närmast. Bara du vet exakt hur du känner, och du känner din kropp och din psykologi. Mår du inte bra, så är det nog ett bra val att ta en paus, värna om dig själv, känna efter vad du vill göra. Finna din väg i livet helt enkelt. Jag stöttar dig oavsett vad du väljer att göra. Sköt om dig, gumman.
Du får gärna höra av dig till mig via mail, telefon, skype och liknande. Det är klart, jag kan ju göra likaså och kontakta dig..men om du känner för att du behöver ha någon att prata med så finns jag här.
Kram på dig, Linnéa. /Annelie
Traci has told me that when someone is unhappy, women have a need to emote and men just want to come in and try to fix everything. I suppose I do fall into the man camp...
Of course, you should and you will do whatever will make you happy in the long term. But make sure to keep everything in perspective. Think about what it is specifically that is troubling you, and recognize when those troubles will be past. My whole second year I was depressed probably - it started some time in September and let up after Spring Break. I think this time of year is particularly hard, especially as it starts getting darker, work piles up, etc. My apartment sucked and I wasn't getting enough vitamin D or sleep, the readings I had to do for the MA exam were all 1960s structuralist frustrations, and I really just wanted out. I was also pondering leaving even before getting the MA.
The good news is, as they kept telling me at the time, you will have more freedom to do what you want when the MA is over. I guess we still have required classes (Common Slavic, anyone?), but starting next year, if you want, you should be able to get more into Folklore, theory, etc. Explore boundaries, get away from the core of the discipline, and all that. I get the sense that's part of what you're craving.
So, of course, while we'll support you whatever you do, I just wanted to offer a note of encouragement to hang in there in the short/medium term. It would be a shame at this point to leave without getting the MA, given all the work and energy you've invested. I do think a light at the end of the tunnel will be coming, perhaps after the exams, or perhaps in the spring or after this year. So just plow through the next few months, keeping your eye on the prize, so to speak, and know that you have friends around in the department who care about you and want to see you succeed, whatever you decide "succeed" ultimately means.
Josefina, you are the most amazing person (or the person who writes this blog is) and you should never doubt your future because you're not stupid and you can do ANYTHING you ever want to. No matter what that is, as long as it is what feels right for you.
And I also wanted to add, that probably most students hit a point of depression and/or profoundly questioning the way they took and where it all leads and if that is indeed where they want to go. (I know, I too have been there, or am there, I don't know.) Not all students confront those doubts and questions, I guess.
Please keep that in mind. I think it is a natural process. Don't rush into decisions. And of course, search for what is right for you, not anybody else.
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