Man tänker sitt

Unfortunately, on this picture one cannot see the result of what happened to my hair yesterday evening when my cousin Irene cut it. What can be noticed above, nevertheless, is that I used some ‘Instant Spray-On Blonde’ afterwards. And in front of you is the outcome of that sudden escapade: Oskar and I now have the same head color.

Due to an escalating lack of new pictures from my exceptionally remarkable life in Sweden [that will only last two more weeks; rest assured, comrades, that I am soon to return to the Motherland], I will have to resort to posting yet another picture of Katharina’s cute dog Oskar. I’ve grown attached to and fond of Oskar because I stayed with Katharina for ten days, but have since left her, spent a few days with Daddy on Brännö and am currently residing with Mother in her new apartment. Where I have no clothes and only one pair of shoes – except for enormous amounts of clothes and about eighty pairs of shoes in several boxes down in the basement. Mother keeps telling me I should pull myself together and gather together what should be donated to charity before I leave, something which I would be delighted to do, were the boxes located at a more easy-to-fetch distance and were I not so disturbed at the entire idea of opening up so many boxes of times past. I have come to realize that I will never again use much of what I’ve left behind at home. I have arrived at the conclusion that I have to get rid of the shoes. I would like to sell some of them [some are not only nice, but also rare and were expensive – at a certain point in time] but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m going to give them away. If there’s a woman in the Gothenburg area who wears a size 37/38/39 and wants to bring home a pair [or two] of fascinating heels, let me know! They’re yours if you come pick them up. I don’t deliver.

Today was an eventful day. In the morning I went to the university library to work on my literary seminary on Shalamov [my professor M and I decided to call it: “Varlam Shalamov – the late 20th century’s best Russian writer?”] and many profound thoughts wandered through my head. Lately I’ve been having many profound thoughts, but I can’t find anyone to share them with. Lately I’ve also come across a few good poems inside my mind, but can’t seem to find anything more within them but the first phrase. Most of them begin with the word “And”. And we all know that one is not allowed to begin a sentence with “and”. Anyway, after the profound thinking I had lunch with my great friend Annie. After lunch we went to church. Yes, on a Monday. We went to Domkyrkan to meet Katharina [she works there; not only on Sundays] and spend some quality time with ‘Kyrkhundet’ [The Church Dog]. Some of this quality time was also spend with Katharina – just to be fair. After hanging at church I and Annie went shopping and now I have an entirely new outfit to wear on Tuesday when I’ll be very serious, very grown-up, very smart and doing a very good literary seminary with M at Gothenburg University. I spent a few hours more at the university after shopping with Annie. I didn’t get to study, though, I had to work. I wanted to go see M for a while but I was too nervous to do so and thus I didn’t – I hesitated outside in the hallway, hoping he’d see me instead of I him, but he didn’t – and afterwards I felt very silly about myself and tomorrow I must go see him even if I don’t really know what to talk about with him. That’s the silly thing, comrades. At one and the same time there’s nothing to say and far too much to talk about. Sometimes I’m scared that I will let this time – these two weeks – slip away too fast and that I won’t get to spend as much time with him as I would’ve liked to. Sometimes I think that I’m never really going to get to know him. And at the same time, as I’m thinking this, I am starting to realize that it is a good thing. That this is a good thing. A good thing for me. We’re not meant to know everybody that walks in and out of our lives and we’re not meant to always be loved back. Perhaps the greatest thing you’ll ever learn isn’t really just to love and be loved in return. Perhaps the greatest love comes not from a union with someone else, but from a union with yourself. And from seeing that love inside of you being reflected everywhere. After all, no man is an island – isn’t that what John Donne said, now comrades?

Today’s post bears as its title the name of a recent Swedish movie I haven’t seen yet. I think this title is amazing, because it really sums up a lot. For me, at least. I’m constantly ‘thinking my own (stuff)’. On Saturday night me and Mother watched the newly released on DVD “Män som hatar kvinnor” [“Men Who Hate Women”], also a Swedish movie. I really liked it. It was a bit long, but it was well done, and I’ve ordered a copy of it to bring back to my students in Russia. For some reason – maybe it was the obvious reason – I brought me back to the storyline in my novel “Letters to Father”. I realized that I wasn’t honest with a lot of the characters in that book, but also I realized that at the time I thought I was being honest. At the time that was what I was thinking, what I was feeling, what I knew to be true and ‘Truth’. Now I’m not sure that’s really the case anymore. And that’s what’s so exciting about living – you learn so much and meet yourself and your personality in so many different ways when you least expect it. Some times I think I won’t write a new book anytime soon. At other times I think I’m constantly writing a new book. I know what I would like to write, but I think – like always – that I’m too young to write it. I would like to be older sometimes. But it is good to be young. There’s so much ahead it feels great and it’s only getting started!

A Room of One's Own

Guess how high I jumped and how loud I laughed with joy when I arrived at the conference in Stockholm yesterday and found that the Swedish Institute’s love for me is boundless indeed? Very high and loudly, comrades! During this weekend’s three day conference for teachers of Swedish language abroad at Skogshem & Wijk on Lidingö they’ve given me this – a room of my very own.

Considering not only the way I’ve spent the past three weeks in Sweden – sleeping on couches or fold-out beds at dad’s, mom’s or some friend’s place; but also the manner in which I’ve lived ever since leaving Siberia three years ago – sharing a small room with an assorted array of other foreign students in the Ural Mountains; you can imagine how happy I was to realize that I was going to have two nights to myself in a hotel room. Unfortunately, when one has lived so closely with other people for such a long time sleeping alone can be a difficult and taxing ordeal. Even though I felt overcome with delight at the prospect of sleeping nude – gosh, I haven’t slept nude since I left Sweden five years ago! – I woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare in which I turned up naked at the conference the next morning to give my presentation… Not very good. As a matter of fact, I didn’t sleep well my first night alone. Partly because I felt lonely, partly due to anxiety before the presentation I did this morning. Anxiety because I was nervous that the others – the “real” teachers of Swedish – would think me too young, too inexperienced and thus a fool for trying to re-invent the wheel. But everything went very well, despite the fact that out of the sixty teachers here I’m the youngest [there’s another girl almost my age, so I’m not completely lost – her name is Oksana, she’s 25 and from Petrozavodsk] and that there are no more than ten teachers allowed to do presentations – out of which I am one! Crazy! Anyway, the conference is absolutely lovely. Last summer I was at The Swedish Institute’s course for Swedish teachers abroad during eight days on Tjörn and that was lovely, too, so now I am at loss for why I was feeling so worried on my way here on the train yesterday from Gothenburg… The speakers are all extremely inspiring – today I’ve listened [apart from myself, that is] to Språktidningen’s editor [this will make my dad super jealous since he subscribes to this magazine about Swedish language and I told the editor of this and then we had an informed conversation] and Sara Kadefors, the writer of a novel which I – incidentally – read all of during one long warm night in Siberia during the summer of 2005. I told her about this and she was fascinated and during her lecture I kept thinking: “I want to have her as my friend!” The other teachers are kind and motivating and inspirational and informed and since most of them are women everyone here is constantly having ‘det goda samtalet’ and I’m completely in love with my own life at the moment.

There are five other teachers of Swedish from Russia here [they’re all real Russians – of course – and call me ‘unique’ due to what I’ve done (what have I done?!)] and now I have received invitations from them to come visit in Saint Petersburg, Petrozavodsk and Archangelsk. Now if I could only get enough free time [read: weeks] during the next academic year to travel to all of these places… Maybe if there’s an important conference? Maybe if I make it appear as if there’s some sort of important conference?

During the week leading up to the conference I stayed with Katharina – we even had tacos for our ‘fredagsmys’ on Friday together with ‘lösgodis’ and a bit of Irish whisky – and arrived at the conclusion that I am an exceedingly blessed individual. My life is not a fairy tale [sorry, Sasha Rybak!], but it is pretty darn good. I have such wonderful and precious gifts in my life; I get to share my life with amazing people, I get to learn so many new things, I get to do what I want to do with my life and there’s nothing I would change in it. I love my life.

Oh, and I found out that I scored 107 out of 120 on the TOEFL test. That’s rather well done considering that I only prepared mentally, but then again – I sort of already speak fluent English so I shouldn’t be surprised that I managed to score that much with my eyes closed [almost].

And on Tuesday at 2 pm. I have a meeting with my exquisite professor M at Gothenburg University. Can things get any better? No, I think this is… as good as it gets. Do you think I sound too naïve, too blissfully happy over little things that really don’t matter in the big picture? You see, I’ve come to think that it is all about what you expect from life. Expect little, and you’ll receive more than you could ever imagine. And also I think I’m a very simple, humble individual deep down. I mean, come on – I consider everything on our planet and in our human existence to be either blessings or miracles. Some things can be both. Like good friends, to learn new things and receive a room of one’s own when least expected yet needed the most.

Oskar

Meet the new man in my life – or my good friend Katharina’s new dog, whatever description suits you best, comrades! This is Oskar. On the picture above Oskar is taking a nap on the kitchen floor. Oskar is a French bulldog aged two and a half [months, that is] and he is absolutely lovely!

Home is the place where you unpack your bags upon arrival. I’ve spent almost three weeks in Sweden but have not yet unpacked my bag. Thus I have concluded – finally, some faithful comrades and simultaneously devoted readers of this blog might add – that Sweden is no longer my home.

Since Sunday afternoon and currently I’m residing with Katharina in Mölndal. It is very nice. We get a long as if we were made for each other. She’s a Christian, and I’m a Christian. Whenever I’m quoting the Old Testament she never gets lost but is always ready to make a parallel to the New Testament. She’s a vegetarian, and I’m a vegetarian. For dinner we always make exciting salads. She doesn’t watch TV, and I don’t watch TV. In the evenings we both enjoy intellectual conversations about various current topics while sipping tea. Both of us treasure a glass of red wine as we try to sort out bits and pieces of ourselves, the past, present and people around us. Xenia left on Monday morning, and then I just had to stop by Gothenburg University for the first time after the summer holiday break [even though I myself personally have not been present on campus since early February]. There I was unable to localize first my institution [of Slavic Languages – it no longer exists but my heart keeps hoping] and, secondly, my darling professor M’s office. Thus felt like I had lost an arm and was forced to retire to the safety of Katharina’s stay-at-home zoo [she has one dog, two cats and a guinea pig]. The past couple of days I have not done much. Yesterday I enjoyed a long pick nick in sunny weather with my cousin Irene. Today I helped Mother as she purchased a bed at IKEA. I’ve begun to ponder this weekend’s upcoming conference in Stockholm; I need to write my presentation and I need to do it on Friday. Tomorrow I will not be able since I will be helping Mother move into her new apartment – I saw the apartment for the first time today and I really liked it. Some would say it’s small; I say petite. Some would say its location is too out-of-the-way; I say it is set in a privileged with privacy spot. Mother may have her doubts, but I think it’s a keeper – at least if she finds The Right Cat.

During the past two weeks in Sweden I have worked out a plan based on my far-fetched dream to meet a handsome Norwegian in order to have a boy and a girl with him and name them Arvid and Rut respectively. I decided to search Facebook for all men named Olaf in Norway. There turned out to be over 450 of them on Facebook. Now – for the selection. Stay tuned.

Making Good Times

Xenia and I walking along the water on our way up to Grenen in Skagen, Denmark. Mother took us and my sister Johanna on this lovely day trip abroad the entire day yesterday. Now we are all in love with Denmark! Xenia arrived in Sweden on Monday the 10th and will be staying with me here until Monday the 17th. She's been a student of mine for two years and has recieved a scholarship from the Swedish Institute to study in Sweden this fall semester. Before Xenia arrived I spent five days in Mother's "lilla röda sommarstuga" outside of Borås. There all I did during these five days was to learn how to row a boat. It took a long time and was hard for me because I have higher education and am thus what is known in my Home and Native Land as "akademiker". Therefore I was unable to blog. I also biked a lot, swam a lot, soaked up the sun a lot and my skin is now as golden as nougat.

Lösgodis

And this is the kind of calming scenery you might be gazing out over after going for a relaxing swim in the ocean on Brännö, an island outside of Gothenburg, the second biggest city in Sweden. Say whatever you want to say about ‘em Swedes, but they sure now how to enjoy nature!

Currently I am not in Russia – presently I am in Sweden. I’m staying in my daddy’s house on the island of Brännö, spending time with my little sister and him and annoying them while I’m waiting for my mother to get well so that I can go stay with her in her ‘dacha’ [little red house] outside of Borås. A close friend of our family, one of my mother’s best friends, passed away last week. This is very sad news. My mother is not only in mourning, but also sick at the same time. Poor mother! I hope I can come home to her and support her soon. Or else – who knows?! – what if the Ukrainian vodka and the single malt whisky I got for her will go bad soon… And at the same time I’m dealing with being back in Sweden.

Two days were spent in chock in Stockholm. On Friday I walked around in the center of our beloved capital and was chocked at the sight of Swedes and my native country [Sweden]. On Saturday I took the TOEFL test during three and a half hours and was chocked at two things: 1) how much more difficult it was than I had imagined; and 2) how many more people were taking it than I had imagined. Anyway, I was the first to finish and joked on my way out of the building with the guys working there: “I only need 68 out of 120 to get into Berkeley so I figured I’d just answer half of the questions.” They laughed. When I told my father the same joke later on Saturday night he did not find it very funny. Then I told him I was kidding and he got it. I think? I spent two nights on Malin’s couch in Södertälje – a place I had never been before [life is indeed full of ‘firsts’ even when you get to be this old!] – and on Friday evening we had a little Putincity Reunion with Malin, me, Sara and Lars [we all met back when we studied Russian together at the university in Putincity (that’s what we called Saint Petersburg then) during the fall semester of 2004]. It was a very nice reunion. On Saturday evening I caught the train back to Gothenburg, I was met at the station by my sister and we took the tram together out to the docks where my father and his girlfriend came to pick us up with the little boat. Yes! A boat! On the ocean! To an island! Where people live! Normal people! I’m indeed in another world!

On Sunday morning I was very tired but pulled myself up out of bed anyway and went to church in town. I went to the church where Katharina had told me she would be working. We ran into each other’s arms and embraced each other for five minutes when we met and this our emotional greeting made the priest almost cry. Everything felt so wonderful. So much relief in such a small congregation. Going to Sunday mass is the only kind of therapy I believe in. I felt so cleansed and happy and calm once I had enjoyed the pure joy of Swedish mass on Sunday morning. A little talk with God always works! After mass I and Katharina enjoyed a four hour long ‘fika’ [coffee and cake and more coffee] at Världskulturmuseet, where we discussed fundamental issues in current politics, religion, culture and society as well as minor private issues we’re dealing with in our own lives. I love Katharina!

On Monday I spent the day with Annie in town – we had a long lunch together at ‘our place’ [Fröken Olssons] and then we went shopping and bought the same kind of pink plumbing lip-gloss to prove that our friendship is eternal and everlasting! I love Annelie!

Today is Tuesday and has been dedicated to spending ‘quality time’ with my ‘family’ – thus I’m sitting face to face to my dad at the table in the living room; he’s working on his computer and I’m working on my computer. All the while my sister sits in her room and we’re all using the same internet connection and blaming each other when it works slowly… We’ve even gone to the store to buy ‘lösgodis’ and planned to spend the evening with ‘mys’. Sweden is another universe. A kind, good, clean and comfy universe!